Is Your Relationship Toxic or Just Struggling?
Here’s How to Tell—and What to Do About It ( 🎉 We launch this Wednesday! Here’s a sneak peek at Episode #001)
Dear fellow Happy Neurotic,
We throw around the word toxic a lot these days. Scroll through social media and you’ll find no shortage of posts about cutting people off, spotting red flags, or never tolerating "low-vibe energy." And while there’s value in learning to protect our peace, something gets lost when we oversimplify the complexity of human relationships.
Not all conflict is toxic. Not every difficult dynamic is a reason to walk away. And sometimes, the most transformative relationships are the ones that challenge us to grow, if we’re willing to look in the mirror.
In The Happy Neurotics first episode (Dropping this Wednesday 10th) , we unpack what really makes a relationship toxic, how to recognise when something is worth working through, and why our relationships are often mirrors reflecting our deepest wounds—and our path to healing.
Functional, Struggling, or Toxic? The Three Types of Relationships
Dr. Todd Berntson outlines three types of relationships:
Functional: Functional relationships are not void of conflict. However, both partners take accountability, seek repair after rupture, communicate openly, and support each other’s growth. There is emotional awareness on both sides, even if imperfect. These relationships seek to evolve and deepen their connection through hardship.
Struggling: These couples really want to engage with each other and make things work, but they simply lack the tools. Emotions go unspoken or misunderstood. They often repeat the same patterns and conflict leads them to disconnect, not repair. These people can rekindle their relationship, if they are both willing to grow and seek the appropriate support.
Toxic: One partner lacks self-awareness and the ability to regulate their emotions. Instead of working through conflict, they externalise blame, shame, or attack. The other person in the relationship ends up managing this person's emotional state. In doing so, they slowly lose connection to themselves.
"The only way to have a conflict-free relationship is to lack emotional engagement." - Dr. Todd
Why Conflict Isn’t the Problem—Avoiding It Might Be
Many people assume that a healthy relationship is a conflict-free one. But, that is far from true. When two people show up fully, conflict is inevitable.
However, in a functional relationship, conflict becomes a pathway to deeper intimacy because it leads to vulnerability, understanding, and evolution. What matters isn’t whether you fight. It’s whether you can reconnect, repair, and learn from it.
Toxic Patterns vs. Toxic People
It’s important to distinguish between toxic behavior and toxic identity. People in struggling relationships may act out, lash out, or withdraw—not because they’re inherently toxic, but because they’re emotionally wounded or unskilled in relational repair.
But in truly toxic relationships, the dynamic is different. The “toxic” partner often lacks basic emotional skills, avoids accountability, and expects others to accommodate their dysfunction. These dynamics can be deeply damaging over time, especially when they involve family systems, where exit isn’t always straightforward.
"It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility. The moment you stop managing their emotions and start tending to your own, you begin to heal."— Dannie Reeve
What the Relationship is Reflecting Back to You
Here’s where things get deeper, and more uncomfortable.
As Dannie Reeve shared in this upcoming episode, toxic dynamics often reveal not just the other person’s behaviour, but our own patterns of self-abandonment. Why do we stay? What unmet need is being replayed? What part of us is hoping this time we’ll be seen, heard, or loved the way we needed all along?
Mind architect and thought leader Peter Crone puts it like this: “Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not yet free.” That’s a powerful and liberating way to look at things.
So rather than only asking, “Why are they treating me this way?” ask also, “Why am I allowing it? What part of me believes I don’t deserve better?”
Perhaps it’s life’s way of asking you to look in the mirror and take a bold step towards your own healing.
Self-Healing Starts with Your Side of the Street
While you can’t force the other person to change, you can start showing up differently yourself.
That might mean seeking therapy. Setting boundaries. Taking a break from contact so you can hear your own voice again. It might mean reading books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, which can help you understand how your upbringing shaped your emotional patterns.
It also means learning to manage your own emotions instead of someone else’s. As we point out in our upcoming podcast episode: when one person externalises everything, and the other internalises everything, both are using coping mechanisms to avoid feeling. Healing starts when you reclaim your emotional agency.
You’re Not Alone in This
Relationships can be hard. Being human is hard. But with the right support and self-inquiry, even painful dynamics can lead to profound healing and transformation.
Whether you choose to stay, take a break, or walk away, the most important relationship you’ll ever work on is the one you have with yourself.
And that’s not selfish. It’s the beginning of emotional maturity, a path we are all called to take, on our journey home, back to ourselves.
Stay tuned for launch day (Wednesday 10th) to listen to the full episode! We’re so excited to drop three episodes at once:
#001: Toxic or Just Struggling? How to Tell the Difference in Your Relationships
#002: The Cost of Being Nice: Why People-Pleasing Isn’t What You Think
#003: Boundaries Without Burnout: Why Saying No Is an Act of Self-Respect
Warmly,
Dannie & Todd
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