Most people have experienced times when attempts to resolve a disagreement only seem to make the problem worse. During these times, it seems that no matter what is said, how much the partners try to explain themselves to each other or ask the other partner why they are so upset, it just feels like adding gasoline to the flames. Partners may feel overwhelmed, frustrated, agitated, and stuck. If this continues long enough, partners may say things to each other that may feel real in the moment but that they later regret, and eventually simply shut down and go their separate ways. Instead of finding resolution, the partners are often left feeling helpless, exhausted, alone, and sad.
Couples who love and care about each other can suddenly find themselves embroiled in a conflict that escalates out of control despite their best efforts. It is tragic to watch because in their attempt to bond with each other and resolve an issue, they employ a series of communication strategies that do just the opposite; they push the other person away. We just discussed how communicating from a place of secondary emotion tends to cause an escalation in conflict and pushes partners away from each other, but there are other ways that we communicate that can have the same effect. If a pattern of disconnection happens enough, each partner will begin to develop a layer of “emotional scar tissue” that makes full reconciliation even more difficult to achieve.
Several years ago, I developed a set of communication guidelines to help my clients navigate through emotional conversations more effectively. This set of guidelines helps couples navigate emotional or difficult conversations without escalation and allows each partner to remain engaged. The basic premise is that when couples feel as though their partner is emotionally engaged and fully present with them during difficult conversations, each partner tends to feel heard and held in a safe space. When this happens, couples can negotiate meaningful and satisfying solutions to their disagreements. The intent of thes rules is to find ways of interacting during times of distress that allow both partners to remain actively engaged with each other.
Rule 1. It Is Always Safe to Communicate State
This communication technique is all about sharing with your partner what you are experiencing in the moment. In other words, if you were to stick an emotional thermometer into your gut right now, what would it read? Stressed? Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? Frustrated?
Communicating your emotional state in a completely nonjudgmental and non-accusatory way communicates to them that you are emotionally present and engaged. It is communicating a primary emotion that will tend to elicit an empathetic response from your partner, rather than an adversarial one. Being able to communicate state is one of the easiest and most important tools you can use during any difficult conversation.
For example, if your partner is telling you what a rough day they had at work, you may feel a sense of tension in your own gut as an empathetic response to hearing their experience. If we were to respond by communicating our current state, we could say something like, “Wow. I can feel myself getting tense just hearing about what you are going through.”
If your partner tells you how frustrated they are that you forgot to do something that you said you were going to do, you may have a primary emotion of embarrassment, regret, or even self-shame. If you were to do a quick gut check and communicate state, you may respond with something like, “I feel very bad about disappointing you” or “I am very sorry. I feel embarrassed right now.”
None of these statements is passing any judgment on either ourselves or our partner. It is simply an exercise in taking a measurement in the emotional tone in our gut and speaking it out loud.
Rule 2. Explore, Rather than Explain
When you explore, you are engaging your partner in an effort to better understand what they are experiencing. If your partner says, “I am very upset,” you can engage them by asking questions such as, “What is going on?” or “What are you experiencing right now?” The intent is simply to understand what your partner is experiencing from a place of compassionate curiosity. When asked questions like these, your partner will likely feel that you are interested in their experience, that you value them, and that you are fully present in the moment.
When you explain, you are disconnecting from your partner’s experience and trying to defend yourself or avoid having to deal with your own emotional discomfort. This usually happens when we feel blamed or responsible for our partner’s distress. So, instead of engaging with them and being present with their experience, we try to explain ourselves, challenge whether what they are feeling is legitimate, or try to fix them so they are no longer upset. Unfortunately, this is not helpful because when we explain, we are making it all about us and not about our partner’s distress.
Explaining, rather than exploring, is one of the primary forces that keeps couples stuck in an escalating spiral about who is more right about a situation, who remembers things the correct way, or who is more at fault in a situation, when the real thing that they both seek is to feel heard, appreciated, and connected. Explaining is driven by an urgency to get our partner to understand us, rather than us focusing on understanding our partner. Unfortunately, the result is that neither partner ends up feeling understood.
The key to this rule of emotional hygiene is to put your attention into the heart of your partner in an effort to understand what they are experiencing without judgment, and simply allowing them to have their experience rather than getting them to understand your point.
Rule 3. Never Speak for Your Partner’s Emotions
When your partner is upset, there is a tendency to name the emotion for them. For example, if your partner looks upset, you might say something like, “Wow, aren’t you in a bad mood?” or during a disagreement ask, “Why are you so angry?” Most of us have made comments like this and have seen what happens. Does it make the other person feel better or worse? Almost invariably, when you make a statement about what your partner is feeling, it escalates the situation.
The rule here is to observe and explore. Asking, “Are you in a bad mood right now?” feels very different from “Why are you in such a bad mood?” Saying, “You look very upset right now, are you angry?” feels very different from asking, “Why are you angry?” The difference is subtle, but important. In the first instance we’re calling on our partner to share with us what they are experiencing, which feels interested and engaged. When we name our partner’s emotion, even if we are correct, we are not emotionally engaging. When you observe that your partner appears upset and want to understand what they are feeling, you are engaging them. When you name the emotion for them, your partner doesn’t feel engaged. They tend to feel judged.
Rule 4. Don’t Try to Manage the Emotions of the Other Person
Trying to manage the emotional life of another person can take two different forms. One is to ‘mother them’ by trying to make them feel better. The other is to not say things that may upset them. When you do either of these, you are essentially taking over and trying to do the emotional work for the other person. An example of this is a family that needs to be very careful not to say the wrong thing around an alcoholic father so he doesn’t fly off into a rage. Another example would be feeling like you have to take responsibility to make sure that your mentally ill mother doesn’t become too upset and emotionally collapse. In less extreme examples, you may decide not to communicate about your own struggles and need for support from your partner because they may become defensive and shut down, or you may feel like you always have to attend to your partner’s needs to the detriment of your own.
In any of these cases, trying to manage the emotional life of another person by suppressing your own needs or distress does quite a bit of damage to a relationship over time. There is commonly a loss of a sense that your partner is a safe, nurturing, and supportive person for you, as well as a loss of trust. Sharing your emotional experience and needs with your partner is a critical element of a healthy emotional bond. Both partners need to take accountability for their own reactions.
Most people can tell when they are starting to manage the emotions of the other person. There is usually a sense of urgency to jump in and rescue their feelings. When we feel that happening, the best thing to do is to stop, notice what we are experiencing, and ask ourselves why we feel the need to be the hero here. Why can’t we just let them have their experience without our needing to manage them? While you don’t need to be insensitive, it is important that you speak your truth and let the other person do the best they can to manage their own emotions.
Rule 5. Take Accountability for Your Side of the Street
Accountability is the prerequisite to forgiveness. When we do something dumb or act like an ass, the first step to healing our relationship with others is being able to fully take accountability for our actions and how they affected our partner. People have a surprising capacity to forgive and move forward, but that can only happen when we acknowledge our behavior and how it affected the other person, and what action we will take in the future to avoid a similar situation.
People respect those who can take accountability because it demonstrates maturity, courage, and the presence of a moral compass. This is particularly important when it comes to relationships, because maintaining a healthy emotional bond requires a shared sense of what is real. If someone is unable to be accountable, it forces others to pretend that hurtful words or actions didn’t happen. Relationships then become based on a make-believe reality where authentic connection and communication is replaced by partners having to suppress their own needs and withdrawing from engagement. Taking accountability doesn’t have to be an exercise in self-flagellation, it just needs to be an acknowledgment of what we did and a desire to repair our relationship. It can be something as simple as “I apologize for saying what I did. It was unfair, and I’m sorry for that. What would be helpful right now?”
Rule 6. Agree On an Emotional Fire Escape Plan
During my initial sessions with clients, I have them choose a phrase that they can say to each other when emotions are starting to escalate and they want to put a pause on a conversation until things cool down a bit. These agreements have three parts:
Communicating your own personal emotional state, not your partner’s, with your chosen phrase. Remember, we can’t speak for our partner’s emotional experience.
Asking for a temporary pause in the conversation, and both parties agreeing to honor that request.
Committing to resume the conversation within a reasonable time period—20 minutes, an hour, or later in the day. It is best not to let the conversation go unresolved overnight if possible.
Typically, these are phrases like, “I am starting to feel myself escalating, and I need to take a break. Can we talk about this after dinner?” or, “I am losing my objectivity, and I would like to ask that we take a pause. Can we come back to this conversation in a little while?” Even something like, “I am freaking out a bit right now and need to stop. Can we talk later?” is okay as long as both partners have agreed on the language.
The time to create your fire escape plan is not when your house is on fire. It needs to be done in a collaborative way during a period of calm so that everyone knows what to do when an emergency arises and panic sets in. It’s the same way here. You need an emotional fire escape plan before emotions start escalating. Having a phrase that each partner can agree to honor as a way to pause the situation can be extremely helpful in avoiding unnecessary distress and harm.
Focus on Practice, Not Perfection
Implementing these communication skills into your conversations takes some practice. It won’t happen overnight. Even when you may consciously know how to say things in a better way, old habits of communicating take time to change. If you just continue to practice commmunicating with your partner using these tools of Communication Hygiene, it will slowly become the new way that you communicate. Think about it like learning to ride a bike. At first, it may feel a bit forced, unnatural, and awkward, but if you just trying, it will become second nature.
Interested in this topic? join us this Wednesday on The Happy Neurotics Podcast and listen in to episode #004: How to Turn Conflict Into Connection With 5 Simple Communication Rules. We’ll share more stories, insights, and a step-by-step approach to help you find freedom on your own terms.
Speak soon,
Dr. Todd