The Trigger Is the Teacher

What a photoshoot taught me about authenticity

This week on The Happy Neurotics Podcast, Todd and I explored emotional triggers and why they so often pull us back into old emotional territory.

I also have a quieter Substack space where I experiment with my own vulnerability, voice, and creative expression. I wrote the piece below after an experience that mirrored exactly what we discussed in the episode. So I thought I’d share it with you here too.

It’s a personal story about my own triggers, patterns, and the lessons they revealed.

The Deep Craving to Be Seen

I think what most of us humans crave for is a deep, authentic sense of connection with ourselves. We want to be able to look in the mirror and say: I love you. We want to fully mean it, without flinching. And by extension, we long to be fully seen and loved for who we truly are, by others.

However, somewhere along the line a lot of us have learned to equate being fully seen as unsafe territory. The majority of us grew up in environments that didn’t celebrate authentic expression. These environments taught us to contort ourselves into boxes that weren’t meant for us, but gave us the illusion of love and acceptance. And, in an attempt to protect our precious hearts we began to hide behind curated masks: the people pleaser, the fixer, the peacemaker, the fun one, the quiet one, the performer, the good kid, the “A” student or whatever label comes to mind. The more we identified with those masks, the more we lost connection with our truest selves.

The Box I Built to Feel Loved

For me, that mask took a very specific shape. The box I contorted myself into as a child is one where managing, understanding, or stabilising others became more important than deeply prioritising myself. That is the astute way in which I unsaw myself in order to manage how others would see me, and feel a sense of love and belonging. Recently, I was presented with a lesson that reminded me to keep dropping that mask.

The Photoshoot Lesson

I needed new headshots so I booked a professional photoshoot. I’ve had some great photos taken by skilled people or friends who made me feel comfortable and seen. I truly believe good photography IS about connection. The lack of connection brings out the self-conscious performative parts and shows in the picture: tight jaw, stiff smile, tight microexpressions, body clenching, you get the gist.

One could liken a professional photography setting to a childhood environment that can help you thrive or drain you of your authentic human expression.

If that environment reminds you of your childhood, where the unwanted parts of you were scrutinised and judged, they are likely to bring out the contorted version of you. It doesn’t look good on camera!

By contrast, environments where you feel celebrated and seen for who you are, bring out your authentic expression and human warmth. That looks great on camera! It seems as if this time round I was not destined to get great shots, but a valuable lesson that has the potential to deepen my connection with myself and my authentic expression.

Mirrors, Triggers, and Choice

The photographer did a lot of things that reminded me of my childhood. She hadn’t read the brief I’d sent her with what I needed. She barely asked about me, even ignored my music choice, a small but telling gesture. The whole session felt contrived. She had a great eye for detail, but kept fixating on imperfections and just didn’t create a calm, fun, environment where I could relax and be myself.

Instead of standing up for myself and confidently expressing what I needed, I stepped into the familiar box of the people pleaser, fixer and peacemaker. Needless to say I didn’t enjoy the shoot. In fact I got so triggered that when I left the building, I had to lie on a bench and do a 20 minute calming breathwork session to get back to my normal self. I felt upset and had every right to be, but that was only part of the truth.

Here is another deeper truth: the experience brought me back to familiar, familial territory where as a child I learned to silence my own needs, and tried to manage my mother’s emotional world in the hope that she would finally see me. That’s really what was being triggered here. That photographer was holding up a valuable mirror to my own patterns of performative control and underlying fear of being fully seen.

The experience was not a curse, it gave me a choice. I could act as my child self did or I could rise up to the occasion and act differently. I didn’t take that opportunity at the time and that’s okay. Hindsight is 20/20 and the lesson is still valuable. It gives me more data to lean on in the future. So while that shoot didn’t capture what I wanted visually, it gave me something arguably more valuable: clarity around the deeper connection I want to foster with myself, the energy I want to embody, what being seen means to me (and that means seeing myself first), and the kind of creative and personal alignment I’ll accept moving forward.

Lastly her focus on details and imperfections, held a mirror to my own self-criticism. I know, she was trying her best at doing a good job, by controlling what she thought she had to control. I can’t fault her for that and it is a reminder to myself that too much control and focus on details, kills connection and interrupts flow.

Control, Flow, and the Art of Letting

Showing up as my authentic self and enjoying the flow of life, requires letting go of the outcome, enjoying the process, loosening my grip and being open to connection.

So will I do another shoot with that particular photographer? That’s very unlikely. However, am I grateful for the clarity it gave me on my own hero’s journey towards a more self expressed and authentic me, who allows herself to be seen unapologetically? Hell yes!

The trigger was the teacher. And that’s the paradox of growth: what unsettles you most often guides you home. Feel it, acknowledge it and then use it as the wonderful growth mirror it represents. That experience reminded me once again of how our outer moments often echo our inner realities. It left me wondering how often we recreate old dynamics in everyday encounters, not to punish ourselves, but to remember what’s still asking to be healed

Coming Home to Yourself

And here is a truth few of us were taught: the more out of touch with yourself you are, the harder it is to truly connect with others. Because others are simply a reflection of you. So If you can’t see yourself, it is unlikely that others will either. They see the mask, they don’t see you. Life becomes a performance.

You become a master at performing how you think you should appear instead of inhabiting who you actually are and letting that speak for itself. Vulnerability and being fully seen scare the crap out of you!

But your body never lies: performing 24/7 is exhausting and your nervous system knows this is not the right path for you.

You feel the squeeze of that old box, the tension in your chest, the shallow breath, and slowly realise it’s costing you more energy to stay small than the route you are so scared to set foot on: the one where you swap performance for authentic expression and connection. The path where you face your demons and learn to become comfortable with letting down the people who can’t see or accept you beyond your inauthentic, contorted self.

The journey is not easy. There will be highs and there will be lows. You will be tested along the way and life will present you with people and situations to show you where you are not yet free. You’ll be given just what you need to learn in order to deepen that sense of connection with yourself.

The rewards are far greater than the costs of staying in that box and living a lie. And It’s never too late to choose yourself.

A Note to Self—and to You

I wanted to write this as a reminder to myself and a note to you: It’s never too late to be what you might have been. When you dare to listen to your heart, when you dare to start choosing differently, when you dare to start deeply prioritising yourself, what you feel and what you need, life supports you in ways that you could never have imagined.

With love, Dannie

P.S: In this week’s episode of The Happy Neurotics Podcast, Dr. Todd and I continue to explore triggers as emotional teachers. We’d love for you to Join us this Wednesday for Episode #013: The Trigger Is the Teacher: Learning from the Parts of You That React.