Dear Fellow Happy Neurotic,
We’ve all heard the phrase “forgive and forget.” On the surface, it sounds noble — like the quickest path to healing. But in reality, it can do more harm than good. Forgetting means erasing the very real impact of what happened, and forgiving too quickly can feel like betraying yourself.
True forgiveness is about remembering clearly, honouring your feelings, and then choosing to release the hold resentment has on you. It isn’t about pretending nothing happened.
A Personal Story
A while back, I was dating someone who invited me on a trip abroad. He offered to cover everything, and for once I decided to be spontaneous and say yes. A few days before we were supposed to leave, he dumped me via text. No explanation, no accountability, no conversation, just a message saying that it “wasn’t going to work out.”
The first stage was grief. At first, I tried to put on a brave face, gloss over the pain and take the “spiritual highway”, telling myself: His loss. Whatever. I deserve better than this. But then the reality sank in. It did hurt. I replayed our conversations, searching for clues of what went wrong, imagining what I should have said or how he could have handled it better. I felt angry. I cried. I judged him, I judged myself, and then I cried some more.
I wallowed in self-pity. Was that a bad move? No, it was necessary. If I had forced myself to “forgive and forget” right there, I wouldn’t have honoured any of that pain. I would have skipped the messy, necessary process of actually feeling my grief. It also allowed me to be vulnerable and seek support from trusted friends.
Of course the apology and repair I longed for never came, and as I processed my grief I was able to edge towards the second stage: Self-accountability.
This is the first step to reclaiming your energy and focusing on your own healing.
I asked myself: what is this experience showing me? How can I grow from this?
For me it meant recognising where I had abandoned myself in relationships and deciding I wouldn't do that again. I also understood that it was teaching me to improve my own communication skills and become emotionally available myself (mirror, mirror on the wall).
This new understanding also helped me fully grasp the saying: people can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves. And, so eventually I started to embrace the third stage: Letting myself off the emotional hook
I let go of his side of the street and focused on mine. I wasn't excusing his actions. I was refusing to let them define my energy moving forward.
I took the lessons I had learned and focused on becoming a better version of myself (and a better match for the person I wanted to attract): someone who doesn’t abandon herself, who listens to her needs and communicates them clearly. Someone who, in turn, listens to others with more presence and opens her heart fully.
And throughout this messy process, I finally got to a place where I could truly let go and, therefore, “forgive”.
Practicing Forgiveness
As you were reading my story, you might have connected to a personal experience.
Perhaps it brought to mind stages you’ve gone through. Maybe you find yourself stuck in resentment or perhaps you’ve jumped to forgiveness too quickly. If so, welcome to being a flawesome human being! There is not one way to get this right and you don’t have to get it right all the time. The best way to get better at letting go or forgiving is simply by practicing. And life sure has no shortage of opportunities for that.
Just remember: forgiveness is a process, not a single act and, like grief, it isn’t necessarily linear. You might go back and forth between the stages and that’s okay.
Let’s recap the three stages on the path to forgiveness:
Acknowledge the harm. Let yourself feel it all: the shock, the anger, the grief. It’s part of the process. Skipping it only buries the wound deeper.
Take accountability for your healing. Ask yourself: what is this experience showing me? How Can I grow from this?
Disconnect your emotional state from their behaviour. You’re not excusing their actions, you’re refusing to let them define your energy moving forward. Think of it as reclaiming your side of the street and stepping off theirs. In other words, you reclaim what is in your control and let go of the rest.
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciling or repairing. Sometimes it invites you to remember clearly, feel fully, choose not to let someone else’s choices hook you into resentment and helplessness and move on. It takes time, it’s rarely linear, and it doesn’t have to look perfect.
If this resonates with you, join Dr. Todd and me this Wednesday on The Happy Neurotics Podcast for our new episode: From Resentment to Release: A Practical Guide to Accountability and Forgiveness. We’ll share more stories, insights, and a step-by-step approach to help you find freedom on your own terms.
Warmly,
Dannie