In this episode of The Happy Neurotics Podcast, therapist Dr Todd Berntson and I unpack the psychology behind people-pleasing, and why it’s far more than just a personality quirk. At its core, people-pleasing is often a learned trauma response rooted in childhood, linked to the ‘fawn’ coping mechanism.
We explore how this pattern quietly erodes our sense of self, why it often disguises itself as kindness, and what it really takes to start saying no without guilt. You’ll learn practical tools like the power of the pause, tuning into your body cues, and asking key questions that shift you away from self-betrayal and back towards authenticity.
You’ll learn how to:
Recognise the difference between ‘nice’ and truly kind
Understand the fawn response and why people-pleasing is a survival strategy
Spot the subtle ways people-pleasing manipulates how others see us
Use the power of the pause to interrupt automatic ‘yeses’
Ask reflective questions like ‘What do I need right now?’ to reconnect with yourself
Tolerate the discomfort of being disliked as a path to authenticity
Reframe saying no as an act of self-care, not selfishness
Why this matters
People-pleasing can feel harmless, even noble. But beneath the surface, it often masks a deep need for validation and a fear of rejection, leaving us depleted and disconnected from ourselves.
By understanding the roots of this pattern, you can:
Stop equating self-abandonment with kindness
Rebuild self-worth through authentic connection rather than approval-seeking
Create healthier relationships based on honesty instead of performance
Free yourself from chronic yes-saying that leads to burnout
Make space for relationships that support your growth rather than exploit your patterns
🎧 Listen to the full episode for therapist insights, reflective questions and a challenge designed to help you practise your first intentional ‘no’.
Timestamps
0:00 – Intro: Why being ‘nice’ isn’t always kind
2:26 – The emotional root: fear of rejection, desire to belong
3:52 – Defining people-pleasing: a pattern of self-betrayal
4:59 – People-pleasing as a learned childhood coping strategy
6:15 – The fawn response: appeasing to stay safe
7:28 – Managing others’ emotions by denying your own
8:32 – The difference between ‘nice’ and ‘kind’
9:56 – People-pleasing as subtle manipulation
12:48 – How ChatGPT can become a crutch that reinforces people-pleasing
14:17 – Why saying no feels terrifying — and why it’s necessary
16:04 – Depleted mothers and the cost of chronic self-silencing
16:58 – Awareness is the first step: pausing before you say yes
18:00 – Reflective questions to break the pattern
20:32 – How to give yourself the validation you seek from others
22:12 – What if you don’t know what you need? Start asking
24:19 – Get comfortable being disliked (and authentic)
26:13 – When people fall away, space opens for the right ones
27:06 – Challenge: Say one intentional ‘no’ this week
Key takeaways
People-pleasing often masks unmet childhood needs for validation and safety.
The ‘fawn’ response — appeasing others — is a survival strategy, not your true self.
Being nice is not the same as being kind: real kindness doesn’t require self-abandonment.
People-pleasing is a subtle form of manipulation: it controls how others see us but hides who we really are.
Awareness and pausing before you say yes are superpowers in breaking the pattern.
Growth means getting comfortable with being disliked, so you can finally be authentic.
As you shift, some relationships may fall away but that opens space for more aligned, nourishing connections.
💬 Your turn: Do you recognise yourself in the ‘nice but drained’ description of a people-pleaser? What’s one area of your life where you’d love to practise saying no? Hit reply and share your reflections.
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